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sad

Well and truly depressed.

I really need to start writing again. I mean NEED.

I admitted to myself and those closest to me that I have been hiding, from myself and everyone else, that I am horribly depressed. It's hard for me to admit it because I'm actually happier than most would be in my situation. My health is horrible, my friends and family are almost all having a hell of a time of it, and there's little hope in my heart that life could improve.

I still find joy everywhere I can though! I laugh a lot, I love a lot, I smile a lot. I enjoy a cool breeze on a warm day, the way my cats blink at me with love and do ridiculous cat things, a good meal with good company. I am in many ways, mentally at least, much healthier than I used to be. I don't feel numb. I ... well... *FEEL* ... that alone is a lot better than I used to be.

That being said, my physical health has been getting worse every year. I barely moved today because my psoriatic arthritis is getting so bad that not only were my hands all claw-y today, but so were my feet. I could go into all the details of how I just finished fighting bacterial pneumonia, or how my IBD is flaring up, but I won't. Suffice to say that I deal with pain and discomfort on a daily basis, and do my best to both keep a brave face on and keep my health from holding me back as much as I can. It's not always easy but I have years of practice :)

I ... sort of fell apart the other night though. I cried an embarrassing amount. I feel much better now, but it bothers me that I'm still letting thing get to a breaking point instead of realizing ... rather, recognizing the warning signs. I should know better by now. I should have approached my own doctor about my depression instead of ending up at outpatients at 4am having a mini-breakdown and getting my medicines upped by a kind and patient GP. I was not hysterical, in fact they even said they were surprised at how well I was holding together, but the concern was plastered all over their faces and I hate being a cause for concern, believe it or not.

So while I was comforted by the reassessment and reassurance that I don't have any psychiatric diseases and am coping quite well considering, it bothers me that I still repress things for far too long. It's important to let yourself digest things before reacting, sure... but don't forget them Erika! Deal with them in due time, else this happen yet again.

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I hide it very well and do my best not to complain. Thank you for the well wishes :)